Its hard to believe that Friday 16 March 2007 was when Ablaze Service was birthed. Details of that night are still so crisp in my memory. I remember the buzzing crowd outside the Cinema, Nathan Campus. I remember the BBQ attempt in the real ablaze style (literally – thank goodness for Chris’ coat, the truly fire extinguisher!). I remember that night was such a big deal parents came along and filled up the back seats. (Slight row reversal). I remember the adrenalin through my body and the sense of excitement that this was the start of something great. The night was pregnant with anticipation and expectation for what was to come.

That night, a baby called Ablaze Service was born. That night, we joined our hearts and hands for what we knew would be an adventure of our lifetime. What we didn’t know was how incredibly mind-blowing and powerful this adventure was going to be!

Together we’ve had our share of:
- Ad-hoc times (like when our room booking goes psycho and we’re left scrambling for another venue at 3pm – yes, like last Friday!)
- Defining God-encountering moments during service and seeing that infiltrate through our communities in the weeks to come
- Near-cardiac arrests… (‘we can’t start… the bulletins aren’t here yet!’. Sounds familiar? Foyer, PA and programs team especially… we love you)

and of course, countless stories of real change, healing and restoration, purpose-awakening, call-discovering… and hug-normous loads of fun as a family.

At this Friday’s service, we’ll be celebrating our 3rd birthday! Ablaze is what it is today because YOU have all-together nurtured, given to, loved dearly, and sowed selflessly into what you call your spiritual family. This is truly a place that serves God’s call for His glory.

So, happy birthday to you all! Looking forward to the days ahead with you!

Hi guys

The very special series on love kicks off this Friday. The series has nothing to do with the fact that Torch is now engaged (blush … and everything to do with the fact that this is such an important part of our lives – so important we’re making more space in our program to talk about it!

In case you’re wondering… this series is not about ‘loving your mum more’ or ‘love your enemies’… but the lurve… that all of you late-teens and twenty-somethings are all thinking about (some more than others!).

My prayer is that your journey of ‘finding that somebody’ is one that brings glory to God. Let God in on your journey (starting from singlehood!) and you’ll be pleasantly surprised by just how much God really does know what you desire and what’s best for you.

Our prayer is that your story will be one so divine it will be told over and over again into the next generation.

We so want the very best for you in this very legitimate and important part of our lives!

Hi guys,

Bet the title got your attention. Okay, so here are some answers to the questions some of you posted. I’m progressively getting these questions answered and posting them online for you. Apologies for posting them late. (Even if I had posted them earlier, I’m sure all of you would have been too caught up in Christmas and new year festivities to read them anyways, right?) Yeah right. Nice try, Lisa.

I’ll preface the answers to these questions by saying that the answers for these questions are provided in general terms since we don’t know the full context of your particular situation. Keep this in mind when reading the Q & A. Because the questions (and the answers for that matter) may not apply to your particular circumstances, it would be best to talk a spiritual mentor or a spiritually more mature and trusted friend for further advise or counsel who knows you, and your specific circumstances.

(Please also note my disclaimer, that as much as I have made the effort to provide sound responses, the views expressed in my responses to the questions are my views and by no means necessarily represent the views or counsel of the church leadership)

Okay. Here goes.

What is dating? What is courting? What is the difference?
Refer to my previous post on modern dating vs biblical dating (courtship). It’s easy to get caught up in debates about what’s wrong about dating, and what’s right about courtship. Words and definitions aside, essentially, it all comes down to the intent of the relationship.

Is the intent to enter into a relationship with someone that you are interested in to explore the possibility of a life long commitment (marriage) with the person?

In my view, I see a healthy season of courtship should give enough time for the couple to get to know one another at a deeper level, to objectively (as much as possible!) explore a possible future together. So, I reckon not getting sexually involved during courtship will help both people to stay more objective. Sexual involvement (all ‘bases’!) is a nose-dive into too much emotional intimacy, which can be premature during courtship.

In some cases, deep emotional intimacy or attachment can happen without sexual involvement. This can happen for example when couples share deeply with one another their need for one another. Corny example: “I can’t live without you, baby”, Example from the 80′s: “You are like…the air I breath”. Okay, so they are far-fetched examples. But there are modern day variations of emotional dependence that can lead to two people getting highly dependent and engrossed in each other, making it hard to stay objective in assessing whether the person is someone you should spend the rest of your life with.

I say enough time because a healthy period of courtship should lead the couple to the next stage of the relationship – marriage, where there is a deeper level of commitment and expression of love to one another, including (but not restricted to!) sexual intimacy. Believe it or not, marriage is not just the green lights to have sex with one another. It is a covenant made before God to love, cherish, commit whole-heartedly to one another – in sickness and in health, til death do us part. This means making marriage work requires more your sex drive. It takes maturity (to bear with his bad morning breath and annoying habits), it takes commitment (when her nagging drives you up the wall), it takes great strength (to apologise even though you want to win the argument this time). The list goes on.

Sorry… i went on a tangent (I’m allowed to… i’m a girl!)

If the courtship goes on for a long time, that is, the couple may feel ready for marriage, but they don’t get married for whatever reason (e.g. financial instability, too young etc), it may lead to temptation to get involved with one another sexually outside the bounds of marriage. This is one example of why it is best to begin courtship at an age when you are seriously thinking about marriage in the near future.

This leads to the next question.

Q. When is the right time to ask someone out? In order words, when is the right time to start committing yourself into a relationship

My good friend discovered in a biology text book (ahh.. the things we learnt in biol!) that human bodies don’t fully develop and ‘stabilise’ until 21 years of age. If that’s true of the body, that is true of the brain, and that is true of decision making. I’ve always felt ‘grown up’ as a teen (what does mum know about life anyway?) and all the more so in my uni days (when I declared independence from the parentals), the truth was, I was still growing up. During that time I made some good decisions. I also made some really, really bad decisions, and man… did I have to learn the hard and painful way. (That sounded a bit like a ‘back in my days…’ spiel. Of course, it was only a few years ago!)

With so many aspects of body, brain, life and decisions about the future still being developed, basic common sense tells me that it would be so much smarter to make decisions that would affect my future when I’m more certain about the kind of life I see myself living for the long haul. This includes the decision about who I would want to grow old and wrinkly with. (Nice!)

As shared in the sermon, there are a few factors to consider. Generally speaking, while everyone will be at different levels, a person should consider the following: 1) is your walk with God consistent, 2) do you have an idea of your life purpose/calling/vocation, 3) will being in a relationship right now distract you from anything really important (or stage) in your life that is really hard to get back once it’s gone? (e.g. high school studies, uni, etc), 4) is the person that you are considering someone who you can see yourself marrying in the future. Personality, character, spiritual maturity, compatible in values and life direction are example of some aspects you should consider.

For the reasons mentioned above, I reckon it is not necessary to commence a serious relationship when you’re in highschool. (Okay… protest, kick and scream, block me from MSN now, rudely poke me when I eventually get on FB). Geez… it’s not like we are going to get married… what’s the big deal?? My answer for you is coming. See “Is it okay to date just for fun?” below.

If you’re think you are ready for a relationship, stay prayerful about the person you are considering, keeping in focus the life and future that you believe God has called you to live. Talking to a trusted friend and mentor is as helpful (and life saving!) as rear-view and side mirrors are to give you a fuller perspective when you’re driving. They say a serious, committed relationship can make or break a person. So it makes a whole lot of sense to involve God and a few trusted people in your decision who can pray along with you.

Is it okay to date just for fun?
By the nature of this question, the word ‘date’ in this question is presumably a short term relationship.

My short answer to the question is therefore ‘why’?

Why date?

One of the things I’ve learnt over the years is that projects have a start date, and they have an end date. (That’s what distinguishes them from ongoing programs). If what you have in mind is to date a person for the short term (with no intention of marrying the person), in essense, they are like a project. (Bit blunt, I know). Perhaps it’s an anti-loneliness project. Or an educational one (to explore your feelings… or more?). Perhaps it’s to fit in (everyone’s hooking up with others). Whatever the reason, you need to ask yourself… why date? What’s your intention? Where do you see it going? Christ-follower, will it add value to where you believe God has called you to?

In most cases, a person’s emotions will inevitably always be at play when it comes to a romantic relationship. Dating (for the short term) is essentially getting your emotions entangled with someone else for a period of time, and then un-entangling them with that person when you (or the other person) finds someone who better fits your liking or when one party is ready to ‘move on’.

You and I both know people who’ve been through such situations. (I’ve had a fair share of that myself…BIG mistake!…back in the days!). While dating can seem fun to start with (when sparks fly!), its not so fun mopping up the mess it could potentially create. In some instances it may end on a good note’ (“we fully respect each other still…you know… we’re still friends…”), in most cases, they don’t. If the relationship is bound to have an end date, there’s bound to be some emotional damages. Not just to you, to the other person too.

As Christ-followers, we should treat our friends, especially those who are fellow Christ-followers with respect and honour all the time. If there’s someone you ‘have the hots for and can so see yourself with him/her’, the smartest thing to do may just be to hold on to your hormonal knickers, think it over carefully (see ‘when is the right time to ask someone out’), seek God for His will for your life (asking him if this is a part of it), and talk to a trusted friend or mentor about this.

Till next time…

For those who didn’t (bother to) scratch this on your writing pad fast enough last Friday, here’s the comparison between modern dating and biblical dating (what is commonly referred to as courtship). Some of you have told me you found it useful. It wasn’t my brilliant idea. Wished it was.

Differences Between Modern Dating and Biblical Dating

So what’s the real difference? Here are some fundamentals:

Modern dating philosophy assumes that there will be several intimate romantic relationships in a person’s life before marriage. In fact, it advocates “playing the field” in order to determine “what one wants” in a mate. Biblical dating has as its goal to be emotionally and physically intimate with only one member of the opposite sex … your spouse.

Modern dating tends to be egalitarian (no differences between men and women in spiritual or emotional “wiring” or God-given roles). Biblical dating tends to be complimentarian (God has created men and women differently and has ordained each of these spiritual equals to play different and valuable roles in the church and in the family).

Modern dating tends to assume that you will spend a great deal of time together (most of it alone). Biblical dating tends to encourage time spent in group activities or with other people the couple knows well.

Modern dating tends to assume that you need to get to know a person more deeply than anyone else in the world to figure out whether you should be with him or her. The biblical approach suggests that real commitment to the other person should precede such a high level of intimacy.

Modern dating tends to assume that a good relationship will “meet all my needs and desires,” and a bad one won’t — it’s essentially a self-centered approach. Biblical dating approaches relationships from a completely different perspective — one of ministry and service and bringing glory to God.

Modern dating tends to assume that there will be a high level of emotional involvement in a dating relationship, and some level of physical involvement as well. Biblical dating assumes NO physical intimacy, and more limited emotional intimacy outside of marriage.

Modern Dating assumes that what I do and who I date as an adult is entirely up to me and is private (my family or the church has no formal or practical authority). Biblical dating assumes a context of spiritual accountability, as is true in every other area of the Christian life.

Basically, we can make three general statements about modern dating vs. biblical dating in terms of their respective philosophies:

1. Modern dating seems to be about “finding” the right person for me (as my friend Michael Lawrence has written on this site); biblical dating is more about “being” the right person to serve my future spouse’s needs and be a God-glorifying husband or wife.

2. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical dating, commitment precedes intimacy.

3. The modern dating approach tells us that the way to figure out whether I want to marry someone is to act like we are married. If we like it, we make it official. If we don’t, then we go through something emotionally — and probably physically — like a divorce. In biblical dating, Scripture guides us as to how to find a mate and marry, and the Bible teaches, among other things, that we should act in such a way so as not to imply a marriage-level commitment until that commitment exists before the Lord.

This is a straight Control C then Control V of a section from this article.

Stay tuned!