Hi guys,

Bet the title got your attention. Okay, so here are some answers to the questions some of you posted. I’m progressively getting these questions answered and posting them online for you. Apologies for posting them late. (Even if I had posted them earlier, I’m sure all of you would have been too caught up in Christmas and new year festivities to read them anyways, right?) Yeah right. Nice try, Lisa.

I’ll preface the answers to these questions by saying that the answers for these questions are provided in general terms since we don’t know the full context of your particular situation. Keep this in mind when reading the Q & A. Because the questions (and the answers for that matter) may not apply to your particular circumstances, it would be best to talk a spiritual mentor or a spiritually more mature and trusted friend for further advise or counsel who knows you, and your specific circumstances.

(Please also note my disclaimer, that as much as I have made the effort to provide sound responses, the views expressed in my responses to the questions are my views and by no means necessarily represent the views or counsel of the church leadership)

Okay. Here goes.

What is dating? What is courting? What is the difference?
Refer to my previous post on modern dating vs biblical dating (courtship). It’s easy to get caught up in debates about what’s wrong about dating, and what’s right about courtship. Words and definitions aside, essentially, it all comes down to the intent of the relationship.

Is the intent to enter into a relationship with someone that you are interested in to explore the possibility of a life long commitment (marriage) with the person?

In my view, I see a healthy season of courtship should give enough time for the couple to get to know one another at a deeper level, to objectively (as much as possible!) explore a possible future together. So, I reckon not getting sexually involved during courtship will help both people to stay more objective. Sexual involvement (all ‘bases’!) is a nose-dive into too much emotional intimacy, which can be premature during courtship.

In some cases, deep emotional intimacy or attachment can happen without sexual involvement. This can happen for example when couples share deeply with one another their need for one another. Corny example: “I can’t live without you, baby”, Example from the 80’s: “You are like…the air I breath”. Okay, so they are far-fetched examples. But there are modern day variations of emotional dependence that can lead to two people getting highly dependent and engrossed in each other, making it hard to stay objective in assessing whether the person is someone you should spend the rest of your life with.

I say enough time because a healthy period of courtship should lead the couple to the next stage of the relationship - marriage, where there is a deeper level of commitment and expression of love to one another, including (but not restricted to!) sexual intimacy. Believe it or not, marriage is not just the green lights to have sex with one another. It is a covenant made before God to love, cherish, commit whole-heartedly to one another - in sickness and in health, til death do us part. This means making marriage work requires more your sex drive. It takes maturity (to bear with his bad morning breath and annoying habits), it takes commitment (when her nagging drives you up the wall), it takes great strength (to apologise even though you want to win the argument this time). The list goes on.

Sorry… i went on a tangent (I’m allowed to… i’m a girl!)

If the courtship goes on for a long time, that is, the couple may feel ready for marriage, but they don’t get married for whatever reason (e.g. financial instability, too young etc), it may lead to temptation to get involved with one another sexually outside the bounds of marriage. This is one example of why it is best to begin courtship at an age when you are seriously thinking about marriage in the near future.

This leads to the next question.

Q. When is the right time to ask someone out? In order words, when is the right time to start committing yourself into a relationship

My good friend discovered in a biology text book (ahh.. the things we learnt in biol!) that human bodies don’t fully develop and ’stabilise’ until 21 years of age. If that’s true of the body, that is true of the brain, and that is true of decision making. I’ve always felt ‘grown up’ as a teen (what does mum know about life anyway?) and all the more so in my uni days (when I declared independence from the parentals), the truth was, I was still growing up. During that time I made some good decisions. I also made some really, really bad decisions, and man… did I have to learn the hard and painful way. (That sounded a bit like a ‘back in my days…’ spiel. Of course, it was only a few years ago!)

With so many aspects of body, brain, life and decisions about the future still being developed, basic common sense tells me that it would be so much smarter to make decisions that would affect my future when I’m more certain about the kind of life I see myself living for the long haul. This includes the decision about who I would want to grow old and wrinkly with. (Nice!)

As shared in the sermon, there are a few factors to consider. Generally speaking, while everyone will be at different levels, a person should consider the following: 1) is your walk with God consistent, 2) do you have an idea of your life purpose/calling/vocation, 3) will being in a relationship right now distract you from anything really important (or stage) in your life that is really hard to get back once it’s gone? (e.g. high school studies, uni, etc), 4) is the person that you are considering someone who you can see yourself marrying in the future. Personality, character, spiritual maturity, compatible in values and life direction are example of some aspects you should consider.

For the reasons mentioned above, I reckon it is not necessary to commence a serious relationship when you’re in highschool. (Okay… protest, kick and scream, block me from MSN now, rudely poke me when I eventually get on FB). Geez… it’s not like we are going to get married… what’s the big deal?? My answer for you is coming. See “Is it okay to date just for fun?” below.

If you’re think you are ready for a relationship, stay prayerful about the person you are considering, keeping in focus the life and future that you believe God has called you to live. Talking to a trusted friend and mentor is as helpful (and life saving!) as rear-view and side mirrors are to give you a fuller perspective when you’re driving. They say a serious, committed relationship can make or break a person. So it makes a whole lot of sense to involve God and a few trusted people in your decision who can pray along with you.

Is it okay to date just for fun?
By the nature of this question, the word ‘date’ in this question is presumably a short term relationship.

My short answer to the question is therefore ‘why’?

Why date?

One of the things I’ve learnt over the years is that projects have a start date, and they have an end date. (That’s what distinguishes them from ongoing programs). If what you have in mind is to date a person for the short term (with no intention of marrying the person), in essense, they are like a project. (Bit blunt, I know). Perhaps it’s an anti-loneliness project. Or an educational one (to explore your feelings… or more?). Perhaps it’s to fit in (everyone’s hooking up with others). Whatever the reason, you need to ask yourself… why date? What’s your intention? Where do you see it going? Christ-follower, will it add value to where you believe God has called you to?

In most cases, a person’s emotions will inevitably always be at play when it comes to a romantic relationship. Dating (for the short term) is essentially getting your emotions entangled with someone else for a period of time, and then un-entangling them with that person when you (or the other person) finds someone who better fits your liking or when one party is ready to ‘move on’.

You and I both know people who’ve been through such situations. (I’ve had a fair share of that myself…BIG mistake!…back in the days!). While dating can seem fun to start with (when sparks fly!), its not so fun mopping up the mess it could potentially create. In some instances it may end on a good note’ (”we fully respect each other still…you know… we’re still friends…”), in most cases, they don’t. If the relationship is bound to have an end date, there’s bound to be some emotional damages. Not just to you, to the other person too.

As Christ-followers, we should treat our friends, especially those who are fellow Christ-followers with respect and honour all the time. If there’s someone you ‘have the hots for and can so see yourself with him/her’, the smartest thing to do may just be to hold on to your hormonal knickers, think it over carefully (see ‘when is the right time to ask someone out’), seek God for His will for your life (asking him if this is a part of it), and talk to a trusted friend or mentor about this.

Till next time…